I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
