All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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