I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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