So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
