I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
