**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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