Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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