never play flip cup with pint glasses
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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