I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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