The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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