i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
