I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
