Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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