Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
