I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
