you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
