It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
