Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
