Jerry, you need to find god
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
