Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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