What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
