Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
