alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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