if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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