remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Randomize
