I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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