I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
