I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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