You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
