i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
