What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Define "chronic" masturbator.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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