i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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