I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
