who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize