ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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