Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
