Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
