I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
