It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
