she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
