tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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