i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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