i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
