Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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