I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
