Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize