OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
