Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
