My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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