If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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