I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
