I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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