My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Can i not drive my cunt home
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
