We won't sleep together?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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