Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 ðŸžðŸ·
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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