rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
