i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
