the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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