I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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