Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
