I'm gonna have a badass scar
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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