My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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