Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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