Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
