I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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