Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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